Why 24 yrld "girls" should not have B-Day parties at Open Mics

Because, you won't STFU!  Seriously, we all know that you're 24 because you're wearing a retarded cardboard "24" crown atop your freshly glittered head.  But, when you're sitting in the back and the comic is still making comments about drunk bitches not "shutting-the-fuck-up" and you don't get it because you can't hear him...you're being an asshole, bad girl, you're a very bad little girl!
On the other hand I do hope you're in the crowd on Wed night. 
We can talk about it during my 5-minutes that I've been trying to practice and memorize for the last week or so, hoping against most odds that someone will find something I say funny only to have you come and fuck it up!  I love the fact that we perform in a tiny bar that has comic-minded owners, that now has a wireless mic."
Talk excessively or loudly during my 5-minutes....please.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to be on stage? It's really, really nerve racking.  It's kinda like what's going on right now, where everyone is paying attention to the person with the mic.  But, when you talk loudly during my 5-minutes, then obviously we're competing for this time.  So instead of doing that, I figure we can share it.  I'm a nice guy.  So you wanted attention, feel the eyes on you...hear the silence, creepy right?  See this is what's it's like for the comic, except the thing that helps us is that we know that the audience wants to try to find something funny.  But, this has got to be rather rough on you, knowing that people are staring at you right now, just hoping, hoping against all hope that after this embarrassing event, you'll be quiet for the rest of the night.  See, I've literally spent hours and hours practicing making cat-throwing up sounds and stupid dance moves to try and amuse you, only to find that you're here to amuse yourself. 
When I want to jack-off, I stay home, I suggest you do the same. Please do not talk any more."

Perhaps I'm just naive on how that will work.